Comes on very strong. Says things such as “I never loved anyone before” or “You’re the only woman who has ever understood me” very early in the relationship. He pressures the woman for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.
Extremely possessive. Calls constantly. Shows up without notice. Checks her car milage, follows her to work and isolates her from friends and family. Checks her clothes, her pocketbook, and her phone messages for signs of cheating.
Interrogates partner – especially if she is late – about where she was, who she saw, who she spoke with, what she wore. Keeps all money. Demands partner must ask ‘permission’ to go anywhere, spend money, work, or have hobbies.
Thinks his partner can meet all his needs, be perfect and never be angry or critical.
Works to cut his partner off from all support systems – accuses people who help partner of causing trouble. He may try to cut off her cell phone, take away her car or prevent her from working. seeing family or friends.
He is always the victim of others – at work, the boss is at fault; at home, it is his partner. He is always the injured party – even to the extent that he claims his violence stems from the actions of other.
His words reflect his lack of responsibility – “you make me hit you,” “You know how I am,” “You know what pushes my buttons,” “Why do you . . . when you know how I get?”
He is easily insulted and will rant and rave about the injustice of things that are part of everyday life.
Kills or brutally punishes animals. May expect children to do things far beyond their ability (for instance, whips a three- year old for having an accident). (Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will eventually abuse their children).
Enjoys throwing a woman down, holding her down and forcing her into uncomfortable and humiliating situations. He finds the idea of rape exciting.
Constantly critical, cruel, and degrading in his speech toward her. Calls his partner names, curses and humiliates her when alone and with others. May wake her up with relentless verbal abuse.
Expects his partner to serve and obey. May keep her home. Expects to be cared for by her.
Switches from sweetly loving to explosively violent.
Admits hitting women in the past, but minimizes and blames the women, saying, for example, “she made me do it,” or “the situation brought it on.”
Makes statements like “I’ll break your neck,” or “I’ll kill you” and dismisses the words with “everybody talks that way,” or “I was joking”
Punching, throwing things, hitting, slapping, pushing, pinching, restraining, blocking her way, pounding walls, breaking windows, driving too fast, poking, and any other form of physical assault or threat.
The above are the warning signs of men who are abusive and controlling.
Do you see yourself, a loved one, a family member, or a partner?
You can change… call Common Purpose at 617-522-6500
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Common Purpose Inc.
Boston, MA 02120